Well... I struggled with how to begin this entry. I could just jump right in there, pretend that I didn't completely vanish off the face of the earth for most of September and October. Start in on how I'm sad to lose The Bachelor's Lee Ann, only because she is so wonderfully and completely psychotic. Or maybe talk about my current life's mission to telepathicly convince a co-worker to plunge himself into the Hudson River.

I could've done that, but I feel that I owe at least some explanation as to where I've been.

The truth is, for the past month I've been trying to find the part of me that I still liked. A part of me that wasn't bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, a part of me that still cared about performing well at work, a part that cared about what I looked like when I left my house in the morning.

I don't really know how it happened, but I had slipped back into a state that has plagued me since college. Something that I have been reluctant, or probably just embarrassed, to even talk about, but that is a very real part of my every day life.

And it wasn't something that just went missing overnight. It's been creeping back up on me for several months, but it's hard to notice something like that in yourself.

In Cleveland, Kristine even sat me down one night and told me that she was worried about me - that I didn't appear to be myself. I brushed her off with an, "Oh I'm fine... just a little stressed at work." I wasn't entirely convincing, but would could she say? Every now and then I would think about what she had said, but I didn't really think at that point that anything was really wrong.

I think it took losing Sam to put me over the edge. To the point where I was forced to take a look at what was happening with me, because I simply couldn't snap out of it.

Luckily I had planned to take off work the first week of September, so I spent that time not only searching for my kitty, but trying to figure out just what the hell was wrong with me. Why I was so completely burnt out at work, and why I had absolutely no interest in anything at all.

Strangely, for whatever reason, this diary just seemed to compound those feelings. I think it started out as me needing to stop writing about Sam, but realizing that when I went to sit at my computer, he was all I could picture.

So.... how did it all turn out?

I'm not going to sit here and say that everything is perfect. But, things are definately "good". I got back on track with work (and it's a good thing too, because things are busier than ever). And, I've started socializing more - especially now that Kristine is back from her honeymoon.

I also started taking my prescribed 90mg of medication, instead of the 60mg that I took myself down to in the beginning of the year, and have been lying to my doctor about. I mean, the hell??? I guess I figured that only taking two pills a day instead of three meant I wasn't that bad off.

Honestly, I don't know why I did that, so now I'm back on the three. (What I should have been taking all along - whether I wanted to admit that I needed them or not.)

Has it helped? I don't know.... I think it must be, even though it took a few weeks to kick in.

So... there you go. An angsty entry if ever there was one, but now I can start over and get back to talking about Alias and trees falling on my house and the cute boys at Kristine's wedding!

I owe several of you an apology for non-returned notes and emails, but please know that it really meant a lot to me to know you were concerned. I'm looking forward to catching up on a month's worth of entries from you guys, and seeing what's been going on in your worlds.

Before I go though, I have to talk about one of the most bizarre things I've seen in a long time. I've been in San Diego since Monday, and the weather here has been simply phenomenal. Eighty degrees, not a cloud in the sky. (The fact that I had time to enjoy it NOT ONE IOTA is neither here nor there.)

ANYWAY, this morning Kristine (who got to travel and room with me - yay!) and I were packing for the airport, and there was this seriously eerie vibe in the air. As one sales rep at the airport put it this morning, "I had this surreal moment where I literally thought that I had been asleep all day, and that it was already dusk!"

This was the view from my window, on a cloudless sunny morning.

As the bell captain was hailing us a cab, he noticed our dumbfounded looks and explained that the entire city was covered in smoke. The nearby forest fires have caused ash and smoke to spread all the way from LA to San Diego, and for the first time I noticed that ashes were literally blowing in my face.

This picture doesn't even do it justice, but towards the East, the sun was solid red, and you could see the layer of smoke covering the city.

As we took off, we flew directly over the fire, and instead of a layer of clouds that you sometimes rise through upon take off, there were miles of what looked like thick, dark grey wool that was thrown into enormous piles. At some points I could even make out small patches of fire blazing miles below. (Although I'm sure they were anything but small.

I used to hear about the fires on the West Coast or in Canada, and even though I would see a picture on CNN or in a magazine, I never really grasped the magnitude of what I was looking at. It was both breathtaking and sad, and I hope to never have to see it again.

I really hope that any of you reading this from out there aren't in any danger.

**

Well, I just got home, and after I finish getting some Sweet Kitty Lovin from Georgie, I'm gonna get this bad boy posted. Thanks for hanging in there with me, and I can't wait to get in touch with y'all!

feeling... glad to be home
listening to... georgie "talk" to me
about to watch... alias! miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26