I'm torn inside.

Should I be hopeful? Should I expect to have the same luck twice, and look for him to come home - even if it is weeks from now? Should I just believe that he is finding shelter, and something to eat, and is protected, even though - like Georgie - he has never been outside in five years? Should I just not worry about his having no front claws to defend himself, or the pins in his legs that make him clumsy and slow?

Even as I write this, I can't stop the tears because I just don't have faith anymore.

Yesterday on the plane I was thinking about something somebody wrote in his journal. That he was going to interview several people regarding their religious views, and wondering what would I say if he asked me?

Would I tell the truth? That I believe there is a God, that I grew up a Christian, being faithful to Him, but that I've turned away? That I don't even really know why, except to spite my mother, and her raising me in an environment of guilt? Her telling me I would be punished if I didn't do as she said, or that I wasn't honoring her if I didn't believe the same things she did?

I've turned away because I don't know what to believe anymore. I've turned away because I don't understand why some people have so much happiness, and I seem to have been overlooked.

I thought this on the plane, and God said "We'll see, Paige."

"You don't believe in Me anymore?"

Because the voice of my mother is telling me that I'm being punished... that this is my fault.

So see, I don't want to hope anymore. I want to stop searching the neighborhood, and running out the door every time I hear a fucking squirrel move in the yard.

I want to vacuum the white fur from the back of his chair, and put away his damn wet cat food that he could only eat a quarter can of before he thought it went bad. I want to forget his sweet face, and his purr that I could hear from across the room, and his cry that sounded like a four-month-old kitten.

I want to forget that he's out there. But I can't.

feeling... angry
watching... georgie stare at the squirrels
miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26