Tomorrow I was supposed to be going to Birmingham with Tom to meet with a couple of key surgeon targets. I was going to fly down tomorrow night, have morning meetings on Wednesday, dinner with them Wednesday night, then fly out Thursday morning.

Well, Tom called me Friday and said that the meeting has been rescheduled for the middle of May, and because at that time I will be in my new position, I probably won't be the person traveling with him. Of course I was a little disappointed, because I would like to see him in person, but I think it's probably for the best. Being stuck together in the middle of Bumblefuck for two nights can make even the most honorable intentions go astray.

He called me today to see if I had cancelled by plane ticket yet.... he said that he could "try to put something together for [me] to do". Yeah, I'm sure he could find some random doctor for me to meet with, but I don't feel right expensing a $600 plane fare, 2 nights in a hotel, plus meals if there's not a legitimate reason for me to go down there. That would just be kinda sleazy in my mind.

Besides, we will both be going to San Diego on Sunday for three nights. At least on that trip there will be about fifty other sales guys from around the country, plus guys that I work with here in NJ. I'll get to spend some time with him, but there won't be the added pressure of being alone.

Obviously there have been no new developments in this "situation".... we talk a few times each day during the week, but on the weekends I don't hear from him due to his time spent with his family. I've already decided that we cannot take this any further. I'm not going to have an affair with him - for my own sanity, I just can't. (And no, I haven't told him this yet.)

I guess the real issue is that I'm ok with how things are. I love talking to him. It's like I have a best friend again. And I know that people say it's impossible to have a guy/girl relationship without sex, but both fortunately *and* unfortunately, that's not the case with me. Maybe I'll go into it someday, but I'm just not a very sexual person. Oh, don't get me wrong... I like it, but it's more the act of being close to someone, of being held in someone's arms, and especially kissing that I love.

So by that logic, if I'm still doing something that I love, but it's not technically cheating, does that make it any better? Probably not.

No, I can't take things any further, but at the same time I'm not ready to give up the closeness that I have with him right now. Which is actually pretty sad, on so many different levels, but I guess I need to make these decisions one step at a time. Besides, things (read: he) may totally change once I tell him how I feel. He may just make that next decision for me.

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Thank you Des, for all of your kind words. It helped more than you know. I'm so glad you're back!!

feeling... a little relieved
listening to... rush of blood to the head -- cold play
miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26