Ah well, seems I'm not getting much work done today. It's always hard on the first day back in the office after you've been gone for a while. So, a little more piling up won't hurt.

After our close call Sunday, Tom and I decided to just get room service and watch a movie. We watched Catch Me if You Can which I thought was going to be really stupid, but it turned out to be *very* funny. I recommend it highly.

Anyway, I guess I'll cut to the chase and answer the question that I'm *sure* has been keeping all of you up at night (heh). No, I didn't sleep with him. Not Sunday, and not Monday or Tuesday night either. Was I tempted? Yes. Of course. We did sleep in the same bed together, but the clothes stayed on.

I still have a lot to mentally work through, because I admit that I have fallen for him more than I thought I had. I see now though that this will never work, and that I can't keep depending on his phone calls and pretending that I have a boyfriend when I don't.

While we were eating dinner in the room, he started giving me shit about my diary. He wanted to know if I was writing about him, and I told him that he was mentioned a few times, but that this wasn't like a "Dear Diary, I love Tom soooo much and he's soooo cute" kind of diary. I told him that this was a place for me to talk about things that interest me, things that piss me off, and to share comments with other friends whose diaries I am reading. He asked why if *other* people could read and comment, why couldn't he? I told him that it was easier to open yourself up if you are being anonymous.

"So basically, these strangers know more about you than I do."

Well yes, smackoff, I guess they do.

He begged me to let him read some of my diary, and I told him no, but finally decided that he could read my "100 Things" entry that I had saved in a text document. I looked it over first, and satisfied that there was nothing in there that he didn't need to know about, and probably some things in there that would explain a *lot* about me, I let him read it.

I'm not sure what kind of reaction I was expecting. I certainly wasn't expecting string music to start spontaneously erupting, or for wonder and amazement to light up his eyes. I *was* hoping for a little more than I got though. Which was nothing.

Not a word, not a chuckle. Not even a "Really?" He closed the document, grabbed the remote, and asked me what movie I wanted to see.

And of course because *heaven forbid* I actually say what's on my mind, I didn't say a word. I sat there with my feelings hurt, pissed at myself for letting him read it in the first place.

During the movie I kind of got over it, and we lay there and cuddled on my bed and fell asleep together.

The next morning I got up the balls to ask him, "So are you still sleeping with your wife?" His response, "Well, not recently." Ummmmm, ok? He lay there looking at the ceiling for a second and expanded with, "Not *last* week. Not the week before that *either*.

I guess in my mind, if a guy was actually on the verge of leaving his wife, he would know how long it's been since they were happy together. He shouldn't even have to think about it.

From that point on I started distancing myself from him a little bit. Which of course wasn't easy, since we were basically sharing a room, but during the day I caught up with old friends I hadn't seen in a while. On Tuesday night I went to dinner with some friends from New York, and Tuesday night I went to dinner in La Jolla with some friends from Minneapolis. Both nights when I got back to the hotel he was waiting for me in the room.

We never did have any other personal conversations. Which, for two people who are potentially going to start a relationship, is pretty damn sad. The worst part is, I don't even think he realized it. For someone who would call me three or four times a day, he suddenly had no need to have a real conversation anymore.

I'm really confused, because even though things weren't *bad* by any means, I kind of figured that the thrill would be gone for him after this trip. I had an earlier flight home yesterday morning, and when I left the room he was still in bed. He gave me a little peck on the lips, told me to have a nice flight and that was it. Sure enough though, as soon as he landed in Houston, he called me to talk during his hour-long drive home. Luckily about five minutes in, his phone died. Heh.

I need some space. I need to find someone who is available. Someone who's interested in ME. Someone who wants to know what I'm about, what I'm thinking, and why I do the things that I do. Someone who's not Tom.

feeling... yeah, whatever

miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26