Well, I've been dreading this entry ever since I started it on the plane yesterday, but I'm actually glad that I *did* erase what I started, because my emotional state has not stopped changing since I left the hotel. I think today that I can be a little more honest with myself, and with anyone who reads this, and admit that I'm full of shit. That I can't control everything - even my own fantasy world - and that life isn't always going to play out like it does in my "perfect" little mind.

Thursday night Mike blew my whole "he'll never reveal anything" theory right out of the water. And it's really sad, because on some level it made me happy... to have a guy that I really like say that he feels the same way, and that he has had feelings for me since we first met last year. But to immediately feel guilty for being happy?

Man, I'm having so much trouble writing this. As soon as I start a new sentence, I'll realize that I'm still not being completely honest with myself. It's one of those things that you wish would just go away - that it had never really happened. But it is still there. Writing it down is at least making me realize that.

Mike and I spent the entire day together Thursday. Then after a four-hour dinner with his customer, we went back to the hotel and decided to go to the bar. (He lives about 90 miles from where we were, so he had a room at the hotel as well.) We talked about everything... about work, about life, about his kids (of all things), and about my past relationships. We kept ordering drink after drink, and when the waitress told us that the bar was closing, I realized I was disappointed, because I didn't want to stop talking to him.

We got off the elevator and he walked me to my room. When we got there, he did the last thing that I was prepared for... he told me that he didn't want to leave. He came in and sat on the bed (I sat on the floor) and he told me that this was *new* to him - that he had never been in a situation since he'd been married that he would think about somebody else. Do I believe him? I'd like to... I'd like to think that I wasn't just another potential other woman, but it still doesn't make it ok.

I admitted to him that I liked him, but I told him that I couldn't do this to myself. God, it would've been so easy. I won't lie and say that I wasn't tempted. I wanted nothing more than to throw away everything I believe in and escape for one night. He even gave me an out... we could have this "thing" (whatever it is) until I meet the man of my dreams. At least I had the sense to know that it doesn't really work that way. There's no way I could be with him and not have my heart involved.

He kissed me goodnight and left my room, and I haven't talked to him since. He left me a message while I was flying back, but I don't even know what to say to him. I still have to work with him... we'll need to have some phone conversations to work on some follow-up items from the business dinner, but more importantly, I'll be flying out there again in July to do the clinical trial. There's no way to avoid him.

I'm so mad that I put myself in this situation. I mean, how delusional is that? To expect that just because I flirt with someone *but* tell myself that it's just a "fantasy", that the other person won't be far from "perfect" and decide to act on it? I have no one to blame for this but myself.

feeling... shitty
i'm listening to...Remember this Feeling -- Matthew Jay
miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26