I'm not sure if I'm going to post this entry or not. I'm going to go ahead and write it, telling myself that no one will read it, and hopefully I'll be a little more honest with myself. (I guess it can always be edited.)

I want to be with Tom. He called me today and just said, "Hey" when I answered the phone. My stomach got butterflies. I've been trying to remember the last time I had someone call and just say "hey", with so much familiarity. That sounds really dumb, but even when Mike calls he says "P! Mike!", just like any other random sales call I get in a day. When I answered the phone today I was tense and stressed out, and just hearing Tom's voice, and his assumption that I would know it was him... it was just comforting. It's killing me knowing he's in town and that I could be spending time with him.

I know I'm being fickle here, I mean it wasn't that long ago that I had a crush on Mike. But that's all it was... a crush. I guess he's made me too nervous. There's too much... assumption? when he calls. Like, at first he seemed genuinely embarrassed and confused about having feelings for me, and seemed to at least think that those feelings were wrong. Maybe it's because I continued to talk to him, continued to laugh and joke and I guess even flirt, that I've given him the impression that something will eventually happen. Now when he calls he makes little inuendos, but it's sort of making me uncomfortable. Before, he was a cute guy that I talked to on the phone and saw occasionally, but he was married (and for that matter, lived in Montana!). I never expected him to verbalize that there was an attraction there. I guess he called my bluff.

Out of the two, I would have less to lose if I got involved with Mike as opposed to Tom. I wouldn't have to see him that often, there's hardly any chance of it getting out at work, and I know that if it were to end, it would probably be me doing the ending.

With Tom, even though he insinuates that there's hope we could be together (even if it's only dating), I have much more of a risk of getting hurt. For one thing, how could this stay quiet? This place is a fishbowl. And Kristine's right... if it did get out, it wouldn't be *him* that looks bad. It would be me. I would be the homewrecker. Then there's the small fact that I wouldn't trust him. Des is right, if he does it with me, he'll do it to me. I would always be insecure and wondering if he still wanted to be with me. By stating up front that he doesn't want another committment (ie marriage) he's left an out for himself.

Last but not least is the whole "this is morally wrong" issue. Is it really cheating if he was going to leave his wife anyway? With Mike it's *definately* cheating. No question about it. With Tom, I could rationalize that he would have just ended up with someone else if it wasn't me. That is, if he really *does* leave her. Or did I just happen to step in at a convenient time, when he's pissed off and frustrated and wants someone who's not nagging him? Will he sleep with me, then realize what a mistake he's made?

And on that note, does it really have to be any big thing? Couldn't we just have some fun for awhile? Have a fling? Even if he doesn't get separated... I mean, let's face it, with my track record we probably wouldn't last anyway. Why not have a good time for a while, then move on?

Even if I don't see him tonight, he still wants to go to Alabama in a few weeks to meet with some of his surgeons. Shit, I'm kidding myself if I think I can travel with him, stay in another hotel with him, and nothing would happen. Even if we didn't sleep together, I know that we would end up messing around, and would probably at least stay in the same room. And I think he knows that. He knows I'm confused and flustered by the whole thing, and I guess to him, that's better than a "no".

Because I haven't come out and said "no". I didn't show up last night, but it still wasn't a "no". I didn't push him away when he kissed me goodnight Saturday, and I listened to him as he discussed a possible future together. With Mike, I said "no". With Tom, I listened.

I can't believe I've written these things. This isn't me. If I read this in someone's diary, I would automatically think "man, what a slut!" The thing is, I'm really not. I don't want to be with Mike... I think I'm using him as an argument to make being with Tom seem like less of a bad thing.

I know what the answer is. I know it's wrong to even be thinking about this. But I can't help that it is all I'm thinking about. And I *need* to be able to write about it, because that's supposed to be what this diary is... a place to vent. I guess the difference is a diary doesn't usually talk back, and I debated making this public because I don't want anyone thinking badly of me, but hell... this is only a taste of what it would feel like if it actually became public that we were seeing each other.

I want to cry because I wish so much that things could be different... but I guess that would make *me* different. I'm going to go home now and ignore the phone, because tomorrow he leaves and things can get back to "normal".

feeling... sometimes I wish I could be bad, with no consequences

miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26