Dude. It is snowing it's ass off here. The hell?? Apparently I'm completely clueless, because I showed up at work in an elbow-length blouse and no coat. I suppose it was a *little* cold when I went out to my car, but I guess I figured it would warm up by lunchtime.

Wrong.

We're supposed to get about 6 inches of snow. Bloody hell! I miss the South.

---

Tom has called me every day, at *least* four or five times a day. He calls me from his home office, from his car, from the airport, from the hotel he's staying in... you get the picture. He even called me Friday night from a "gentlemen's" club. Ew.

I really enjoy talking to him, but this is becoming problematic for a couple of reasons. The first reason (which I will expand on further in a second) is that I feel like I'm becoming a voyeur in his personal life. That's not how I really want to describe it, but it's like the more we talk, the more it becomes common for him to do "family" things... like talking to his son in the back seat as he drives him home from a baseball game. Or, ordering pizza for his kids on one phone while he talks to me on the other, all the time holding his baby that's crying in my ear.

The second reason this is becoming problematic is that on Sunday when he *doesn't* call, I'm left wondering if he's trying to give me some space because of the talk we had the night before, or because he *can't* call, because he's around his wife all day.

Both of these reasons are making me very grateful that he went back to Houston when he did, so that I could have some time to think about things and realistically figure out what the hell I'm going to do.

Saturday after he flew home from his business trip, he called me several times during the day, and eventually told me that his wife was going out with some girlfriends that night, and that he was babysitting for the night. He called me later on (and believe me, I'm not used to getting this many phone calls... I am NOT a phone person) and he was basically just tooling around his kitchen, ordering pizza, etc. Then his baby starts crying, and I'm just sitting on one end of the line, listening to nothing but a baby cry in my ear. Seriously. I mean, say you need to go.... Say you'll call me back.... Anything. Don't just assume I have nothing better to do than sit there with a phone to my ear listening to your offspring.

Sorry. I know I sound really ugly right now, but it's only because I feel so incredibly guilty for being this kid's potential future home-wrecker.

He got back on the line, and I guess my silence was more deafening than his baby's crys. "Maaaabey I should call you later."

Which, of course, he did.... after all three kids were quietly tucked away in bed. We talked for about an hour, then he says,

"Your time is running out."

"What do you mean, my time is running out?"

*laughs* "This phone call. I just mean your time is running out."

I guess that because that statement really didn't make sense, I just assumed he meant that he was tired, or that his phone bill was getting too large.

We probably talked for about ten more minutes before it hit me. I don't remember what it was, but something suddenly made me realize what he meant. He meant that in 20 minutes his wife would be coming home. Thus, my "time" was running out.

"Oh. I get it. My TIME is running out."

** silence **

"Ooookay. You sound like you did earlier."

"Earlier?"

"I was actually surprised you took my call tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"Earlier... you sounded mad."

"I wasn't mad... it just... it just made me think 'What the hell are we doing?'"

"Uh oh. Am I getting the 'hair thing'?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know... when you get mad about something. The 'hair thing'."

** no response **

"Head turns down, hair falls around face, head tilts to the right, left hand comes up, pulls hair behind ear, head tilts up...."

"Whatever."

"Yeah, then comes the curt one or two-word response."

** no response **

"I'm pretty observant. I know when you're mad."

"Ok. Maybe you have my mannerisms down, but that doesn't mean I'm mad."

"Well maybe 'mad' is the wrong word. I'm just saying, I can tell."

"So when are we going to talk about this?"

"I don't know. *laughs* When ARE we going to talk about this? Do I need to get out my calendar?"

Grrrr.

"It's just... you call me... over the past week you've called me every day, and it's comfortable. I enjoy it. I *love* picking up the phone and hearing that it's you. So, at some point I have to decide. Am I going to go against what I believe in? Or am I going to do what's comfortable?"

** pause **

"I know."

"I don't want to seem pushy or that I'm being manipulative, so I have a hard time saying what I'm feeling. But I can't help that this IS what I'm feeling."

"And you have every right to feel that way."

"Part of me says 'Walk away. Let him work out his problems. Don't get in the middle of it.' Then the other half of me loves hearing you on the phone.

** no response **

"I just don't want to screw up anybody's life. Particularly my own."

"I understand."

So needless to say I felt pretty shitty after that conversation, because I hate being even the slightest bit confrontational. And because it probably looked like I got irrationally upset when there was no real "reason" to get upset at all. But I guess mostly I felt shitty because I knew it was probably the beginning of the end.

Those things needed to be said, but unfortunately I don't have the luxury of time or proximity that you are supposed to have in a "relationship". And instead of being able to continue the discussion and come to some kind of conclusion, he needed to go before his wife walked in the door.

He didn't call on Sunday (reason #2) and then he left me a really short email last night. I've only talked to him once today.

If anyone is still reading this novel of an entry, I would appreciate any objective feedback you have, good or bad.

Because I really hate feeling like I screwed up just because I said what I was feeling.

feeling... can you guess?

miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26