The rest of my Kiawah Island trip was pretty uneventful. I skipped the big group dinner Friday night to take four surgeons from New York to a smaller dinner, which ended up taking four hours.

Four hours. For dinner. No one seems to be in too much of a hurry in that neck of the woods.

We all went to the hotel bar afterwards, but I called it an early night at 12. Tom was there talking to one of his docs, but I said hi to him and that was about it. He was still there when I left, and no... I didn't make a booty call this time. Thank goodness I still had my wits about me unlike the night before.

The next morning was the final session of the meeting, and it turns out that he whooped it up til all hours of the morning and ended up missing half the meeting. We ran into each other out in the hall, and he was sooo hungover and grumpy we didn't talk that much.

Another afternoon at the beach with Roe and Matt, and at that point everyone began leaving for the airport. I had decided to stay over Saturday night just to chill out, so I hid out on the back deck of my condo and listened to the critters for most of the night.

I had a long time to be by myself and think about what the hell I'm doing.

Something told me that for whatever reason, Tom and I had just reached a turning point. I knew that I wouldn't hear from him before he left the Island, and I knew he wouldn't call me on the way home from the airport like he usually does. I don't know how I knew, I just did. Call it intuition.

Granted, I wanted to call him - but I guess I figured that if this thing was ever going to end (without ending badly), it should start now. I sat there knowing the phone wasn't going to ring, and fighting the urge to still be able to wonder if he might have called if I hadn't called him first. It was a long night.

Sunday morning was a bit of a nightmare getting to the airport (typical!), but I finally made it home in one piece. The usual unspoken rule was in place regarding no phone calls on Sunday, so Monday at the office was the first time that I could have expected to hear from him. Nothing.

On Tuesday morning, I got an email from him saying that he was in North Carolina, that his phone was dead, and that he had left his charger in Kiawah. I guess that made me feel a little better, but still made me upset at the same time. I'm upset that I even have to be upset about this situation.

What does he think is going on here? What in his mind does he think that I'm getting out of our relationship? It's certainly not sex... thank God I never slept with him. And it's not the hope that we will someday be together. Ever since the first night we were together he has made no mention of getting a separation. I guess I'm just that pathetic that simply his company alone is enough to get me from week to week. Gah.

I did hear from him today, and thankfully I had passed the "upset" and then the "pissed off" stage and was able to have a normal conversation. I tell you, it just didn't have the same zing that it used to. I think I'm now looking at it like he's the one who's pathetic. Maybe that's unfair, but if he's THAT fucking unhappy he should do something about it. I'm young and I'm single, and it's not fair for this to be the best thing that's out there for me. I deserve more, and he should realize it.

God, I'm so stressed right now. I'm still at work, and I have a marketing plan due tomorrow and a last minute surgical technique due by Friday. I'm taking a break in hopes of getting some of this shit off my mind.

I also have another early morning flight to Houston on Friday. (Hopefully no more bad dreams will turn this into a repeat of my last nightmarish trip to Houston).

Weird. I just realized that this will be almost two months to the day that all this crap with Tom started to begin with.

I didn't even bring Friday's trip up to him. I certainly didn't tell him that I booked my flight out for the same night. No way I'm staying in his hometown overnight anymore if I don't absolutely have to.

I know that I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I'm finally in a place where I know that this is ending. Am I handling it correctly? Maturely? I have absolutely no clue. But it's the only way I know how right now.

It just sucks that I'm mourning the breakup of a relationship that was never really there in the first place.

feeling... I could really use some ice cream
listening to... kenon chen -- weather the storm
wishing... everyone would sign my guestmap! =) miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26