I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. I suppose it's part disbelief, part guilt, part numb. She's gone... I woke up this morning and she's just - well, gone.

I just moved into a small residential neighborhood, and I brought with me two cats: George 10yoF, Sam 4yoM. George is the prissiest, bitchiest little girl you have ever come across, but she has been with me through so many things, including eight moves (the most recent being a trek from Atlanta to New Jersey).

She's such a fun cat. While Sam is nervous and hides under the bed when people come over, George will go up to just about anybody. She also has this weird obsession with hair... especially guys' hair. She'll get on the back of the couch, and softly start rubbing her head on the back of your head. She'll start head-butting you a little more aggressively, then the next thing you know two paws come wrapping themselves around the front of your face. It's so funny!! Of course, you can't see it, but to the other people in the room it's hysterical.

This one time she was going to town on this guy's head, so I ran and got a mirror so he could see what it looked like. As soon as I held the mirror up to him, she stopped dead still (with her paws still around his face), leaned to the side of his head and stared at the mirror with him. Hee! It was one of the cutest things ever!

So anyway, normally when I go to bed she'll come in after a few minutes and come lie down next to me. I got in the bed thinking, "I haven't seen George in a while." I mean, God Dammit, why didn't I just get up and go look for her?? It would've taken 10 minutes for me to realize she wasn't in the house.

I woke up at 5:45am, with just this feeling of dread. She wasn't on my bed... I just knew.

Last night I had the patio screen door cracked about 6 inches so I could smoke a cigarette. A fucking cigarette! for crying out loud. I mean, who randomly starts smoking when they hit 31 years old? No one, that's who. I'm not addicted, and I know this because I can go on a business trip for two weeks and not have a single one. It's just "something to do" to pass the time. And the only place I do it is on my patio, or in my car.

Unfortunately, it's been about 5 fucking degrees every night for the past month, so I've been standing inside the screen door to get my daily fix. She must've slipped between my legs. She never does that. But it's the only thing I can think of.

I swear I will never smoke again if I could just see her sweet face again. I would do anything. I'm so heartbroken and pissed at myself that I don't know what to do. It's my own fucking fault she's gone... freezing, hungry, defenceless, and alone. It's my fault.

Please come home.

feeling... sad
listening to...coldplay - a rush of blood to the head
reading...harry potter and the goblet of fire miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26