dried II fresh

life's calendar

2003-07-07, 5:27 p.m.

The family that I rent my house from just put a pool in their back yard, which (conveniently for me) happens to be the same as my front yard. I know I've said that I don't have a lot of privacy where they are concerned, but for the last three days I've been able to put those feelings aside - to build neighborly relations, of course.

They really are a nice family. The husband is only 38, but the wife is 47 and has a 19-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. The two of them have a boy and a girl together, 6 and 8 respectively. I spent almost the entire weekend hanging out with them, and it got me to thinking a lot about kids, particularly whether I'm ever going to have any or not. I went back and forth a lot...

Going to the lake to watch the fireworks? "Oh this is so cute. Look at all the little kids. I could do this."

Watching them have to get a "time out" at the pool for fighting over a Bop It? "Hmmm. Yeah, I'm not sure I really want to do this."

Helping Clay learn to swim without his swimmies? "Aw man, I could totally do this."

The truth is, I really don't think that I should have kids (for many, many reasons that I'll probably get into another day), but the bigger issue for me is whether I'm ever going to end up in what I would consider a real relationship.

I've never dated anyone for more than a couple of months at a time, and those "relationships" were few and far between. As the years have passed, I've become more and more accustomed to being on my own, and less concerned with trolling for guys at the bars or being fixed up by friends (not that that ever happened too much to begin with).

Up until recently I just kept assuming that "it will happen for me some day...." and that "when it happens, I'll know it..."

For some reason I did a lot of thinking about it this weekend, and it sort of occured to me that either something needs to drastically change, or quite possibly the way my life is now, is the way it's going to stay.

I think I need to preface the rest of this by saying that I'm not fishing for anyone to tell me "you're not too old" or that "there's still time". I know this. I know that 32 is definately not too old to meet somebody, but sometimes it still comes down to the choices you make in life, or - more importantly - the way you open yourself up to meet people.

In high school, college and my twenties I hung around a group of guys that I was just friends with but never dated, and I would occasionally go on a date or two with people I met out or at school. Either I just wasn't interested in dating someone seriously, or I had a crush on someone who wasn' t available. (Go figure.)

Then for the past few years, I've moved a lot, switched jobs, blah blah blah... always some reason to still be on my own. I'd date someone long distance, or just "hang out" with someone for a couple of months, but I was never committed to anyone or anything. There was always time for that later.

I lay on a raft this weekend, and I stared at my two cats sitting in the front window, and I could totally envision myself in the exact same spot, having the exact same thoughts this time next year. And the year after that...

If I think about it, it's already July, and I've got the rest of my year mapped out down to the week on which trips I'm taking, which projects are due when - and before I know it it's going to be 2004. Then I'll start the same cycle all over again.

I don't have the same kind of calendar mapped out for my social life, where I would foresee any event that would even allow me to meet people.

The thing is, I'm not unhappy being by myself. I have a great job that keeps me busy, and friends that still like to go out to grab a beer or whatever. But I also have no problem going an entire weekend with no human contact. In fact, at times I even welcome it.

I just think that there's gotta be something better than this. Something that I obviously have no concept of. And actually it's a pretty terrifying thought.

feeling... thankful. my friend has been upgraded to serious condition
listening to... so alive --love and rockets
wondering... where the hell this entry came from


dried II fresh
miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26