Last night Tom and Nate (two of the guys I was hanging out with in Houston) flew in town, so Kristine and I took the train into the city to meet up with them. She's a design engineer that I work with, and it's very common for both of us to develop friendships with the reps and occasionally hang out with them. Actually Tom and I have known each other for several years, as we both worked for the same company prior to this one and were friends there as well.

We all had a blast. It was Nate's first time to New York, so we walked around Times Square for awhile, then just started hitting random bars. It was about 4am when Kristine and Nate headed back to the hotel, but Tom and I stayed at the bar to finish our last drink and talk for a while. Now, I've known for a while that he is not happy in his marriage. I guess I didn't realize *how* unhappy, until he reached over and grabbed my hand.

He starts telling me that he loves hanging out with me, wants to see me, blah blah blah. What the fuck is going on all of a sudden that the only two guys in the past six months that pay any attention to me are both married?? Now, Mike flat out *admits* that he just wants to have an affair. Even after we had our "talk", he has since called me back to say, "So why *are* we glad it didn't go any further?" He's still thinking about me and wants me to come back to Montana.

Tom, at least, makes the scenario sound a little less torrid. He talked about it in terms of a future without his wife in the picture. Dating long distance, and even some day living together. He did say that he knew he "would never get married again". Well, at least he's upfront about it.

Last night didn't end any differently than the night in Montana. Once again I went back to my hotel room alone, but this time I had an offer to meet him tonight. "Nothing has to happen." He just wants to spend some time together. Whatever.

Kristine and I took the early train back this morning, and Tom called me when he woke up around noon. Nate was in his room, so he couldn't say anything... he just said he hoped to see me soon. So now I'm sitting here looking at the clock, wondering what it would be like to just say fuck it and go see him.

I'm tired of being in this situation. These are both two really great guys (except, of course, that they would cheat on their wives) and in a normal situation I would go out with either of them in a heartbeat. Is this what it boils down to for me? I'm in a career that doesn't give me time to meet anyone that is both decent and available, so I'm just supposed to settle?

I'm tired and I'm hungover (again) and I'm lonely, and I just wish I could go there and curl up in his arms and go to sleep. But I'm not. I'm not going, because I'm not willing to believe that that's all there is for me. I guess for tonight I'm choosing to sleep alone.

feeling... lonely
watching... alias
miss something?
goodbye my friend - 2005-04-29
out of the loop - 2005-04-09
a quest for clarity - part 1 - 2004-08-30
no plan for a sequel - 2004-08-27
slacker of the month - 2004-08-26